Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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