Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
