well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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