there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
