Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
