I want to make a zoo with you.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
