Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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