okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
