this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
