yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
