I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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