Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
