You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
