You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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