I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
