Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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