Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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