I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm just crazy horny about you
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
