So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
