he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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