Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
All I want is dick and wine.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
