i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
