Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
