I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
