I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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