Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
