I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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