im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
pop tarts are not kleenex
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
