Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
