And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
