There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
