Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
