Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
