TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
