He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
