I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
