Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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