Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
