I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
