when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
