the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
