insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
