I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
