dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
