I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
