He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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