I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
