A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
