In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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