Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
