i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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